


Reasons To Stay

by AceOnIce



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:00:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23521210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceOnIce/pseuds/AceOnIce
Summary: Alec is familiar with wanting to die, but he always finds reasons to stay alive.-OR-Five times Alec wanted to die, but didn't.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 29
Kudos: 200





	Reasons To Stay

**Author's Note:**

> I STRUGGLED with the title.  
> Also, obviously, there's angst in this and mentions of self harm, but the only suicide attempt is from the episode where he's under the spell in 2x08. Please don't read if you're going to be triggered.

**One**

Alec is twelve the first time he overexerts himself during training. He conveniently forgets his gloves as he pummels a punching bag. He doesn't stop until his knuckles bleed and he’s pretty sure he’s broken his pinky finger. He sits at the side of the training room and wraps bandages around his hands instead of using an Iratze. The pain being the only thing keeping the noise in his head from completely overwhelming him.

Tomorrow he’s going to become Jace’s parabatai.

He can’t wait. But he’s terrified.

He wants Jace in ways he’s not supposed to want him, likes him in ways that he's not supposed to like boys. 

Alec curls in on himself, pressing against the open cuts of his knuckles and hissing at the pain. It’s a welcome distraction.

He thinks the only way he’ll ever stop looking at guys, stop wanting them in ways he’s only supposed to want girls, is if he’s dead. The idea shouldn’t bring him such a sense of relief, a tingle of desire. He knows this, but he longs for the voices in his head to shut up. He wants to stop feeling, stop thinking, stop hurting. 

Alec knows he isn’t supposed to think like this. Shadowhunters fight for their lives every day- they don’t dream about death. They don’t crush on boys. They don’t crush on their parabatais or soon-to-be parabatais.

Alec forces himself up because the pain in his hands isn’t enough of a distraction. He goes to Isabelle’s room. He thinks she knows the things he won’t admit out loud and loves him despite it. 

Isabelle is unusually perceptive for her young age, and she notices something is wrong before Alec says a word. She lets Alec into her room and wraps him in a hug, her skinny arms holding him tight. “It’s okay.” 

“I can’t do this,” Alec whispers. 

He doesn’t want to burden his sister, but no one else would understand. His parents would punish him. Jace would hate him. No one else would understand.

“Let’s play a game.” 

Alec frowns at her. They rarely play games unless as training exercises. “What kind of game?” 

“We’re going to write down our favorite things.” She finds two papers and two pens from her nightstand and they sit on the floor, cross-legged. Isabelle starts writing instantly, but stops when she notices Alec just looking at his paper. “It can be anything. Like your bow and arrow or ice cream or the beach.” 

“We’ve never been to the beach.” 

“But imagine if we could!” Isabelle gives him a toothy grin and goes back to her list. 

Alec slowly starts his own list. At the top he writes ‘family’. It flows a little easier after that. Thinking of the things he loves and likes, writing out his reasons for staying alive. He’ll keep the list for the rest of his life. 

When they finish and Alec has applied an Iratze to heal his hands, he asks, “What did you write?” 

Isabelle shows him the list, scrawled out in her messy childish handwriting. The first thing on the list is ‘My big brother’. 

**Two**

Alec is seventeen when Jace gets his first girlfriend. 

It hits Alec harder than it should. He’d known Jace would date pretty girls and be more interested in spending time with them. He’d known he would be left on his own while his parabatai gets distracted by things Alec will never get to have. Relationships. First kisses. Intimacy. 

For two weeks Alec moves numbly through life, training harder just to spend more time not alone. He picks at his hands during briefings, until the skin around in nails is stained red with blood. He blinks at it because he can’t feel the pain. He doesn’t feel much of anything. 

He starts staring at his Seraph blade as when he cleans it, even if he knows he would never use it on himself. He daydreams about death, about leaving it all behind. 

Jace notices Alec’s troubled state during one of their training sessions when he beats Alec easier than ever. Alec rubs at his eyes and blames it on lack of sleep. He _hasn’t_ been sleeping much, kept awake by his own vicious thoughts. 

Jace frowns at him and Alec tries to ignore it. Finally Jace changes the subject. “Do you want to get donuts?” 

“We’re not allowed to have donuts.” He’s never actually eaten a donut. He only knows about them because Jace and Isabelle like to sneak out and try new treats. 

“Oh come on, rules were made to be broken.” 

Alec doesn’t agree, but he lets Jace sneak him out of the Institute to a donut shop nearby. He can’t say no when Jace is taking the time to hang out with him. 

With sprinkles in his teeth, Alec, inexplicably, feels a little better. Jace grins at him across the table. “They’re good right?” 

Alec doesn’t like them much. They’re too sweet and too heavy, but he nods because he’s finally not entirely numb. “Thanks for bringing me here.” 

“You’re always watching out for me and Izzy. We have your back too you know.”

Alec nods, but knows he won’t ask Jace or Isabelle for help and definitely not for help with his emotions. He won’t burden them with his own weaknesses.

When he gets back to his room, Alec finds the list he’d made with Isabelle. He updates it with some of his new favorite things. He reads it every night until the numbness starts to fade. 

**Three**

Alec is engaged to Lydia. Lydia is kind and smart and strong. She’ll make a good wife, a good leader. 

_What about love?_

He tries to shake the words out of his head. He doesn’t have time for love. He’s not allowed to have what he wants. Magnus’ attempts to confuse him, to get Alec into bed (because he’s sure that’s all it is), shouldn’t have such an effect on him. 

Lydia is a safe option. The marriage will make his parents happy. He and Lydia will be able to lead the New York Institute together. It’s the best he could’ve hoped for. 

So he doesn’t know why he’s on the roof, firing arrows until the string leaves bloody grooves in his fingertips. He should be inside, helping plan his wedding, but the idea of doing that sends panic through him. He walks to the target and pulls the arrows out one-by-one, putting them back into the quiver. The movement is repetitive, almost calming. 

He glances over the ledge. The ground looks so far away. He wonders what it would be like to just... climb on the ledge, push himself off. Silence all of his thoughts and feelings. 

He crosses the roof so he’s facing the target again as he nocks another arrow. He goes through the entirety of the quiver once more, ignoring the blood streaming from his fingers until it impedes his ability to hold his weapon steady. 

He throws the bow down and grits his teeth. He wants to tear into himself further, wants to train until his body is covered in bruises and his muscles are stiff. Until the pain in his body silences his mind.

Instead, he uses an Iratze to heal his fingers. He cleans his bow and the arrows, checks the runes on all of them and re-does any that he has to. It keeps his hands busy at least. 

When he’s done, he retreats to his room. He finds the list he made with Isabelle and looks it over. He still loves his family, still likes watching the sunrise and killing demons. It’s still enough to make him want to stay alive, but it’s detached, distant. 

He knows he’ll be happy again, but it feels so very far away. 

He thinks of Magnus. He wonders what it would be like to not have to hide himself from anyone, to have the freedom to be exactly who he is.

Alec tucks the list away and presses his head to his hands. 

He can do this for his family. He’ll make them proud. He’ll be happy. This is just a phase. He’ll get over it. 

He leaves his room and goes to help with wedding preparations. 

**Four**

Alec knows it’s his fault. 

It doesn’t matter that he was possessed. He was the one that was stupid enough, weak enough, to get possessed in the first place. 

The spell only confirms that Alec’s fears are valid. Everyone blames him. He’d taken a woman’s life, Clary’s mother’s life, in cold blood. 

He isn’t scared when he falls, but he’s relieved to be caught by familiar blue magic. 

Later, he sits on Magnus’ fire escape and replays the events of the party. He thinks about how he’d tried to follow through on the suicidal urges that he knows so well. He wonders if it was really all because of the spell. It doesn’t feel like it. He’d been on that ledge before, metaphorically, and he’d wanted to jump, even when no magic had been involved.

He’d stopped himself before, but he wonders if he’ll be able to continue ignoring death’s promise of release.Every day as a Shadowhunter is a brush with death. But not like this. Without Magnus, without his magic, Alec would be dead on the concrete. 

He presses into the skin of his hand and thinks maybe that would have been for the best. It might have been better for everyone if Magnus hadn’t caught him. 

Magnus finds him when the party ends. He says exactly why Alec needs to hear, even if he can’t believe all of it. He’s right that Alec uses physical pain to block the pain in his head, but Alec thinks there’s no other way to deal with it when it gets so bad. 

He agrees to come to Magnus in the future. Magnus leads him to bed and cuddles around him. His arms hold Alec tight, like he’s scared he might slip away. 

Alec melts into Magnus’ hold the way he always does. It starts a steady warmth in his stomach, a stark contrast to the cold in the rest of his body. He presses closer to his boyfriend and hopes he will get to keep this. 

The next day Alec finds his list and adds a name. ‘Magnus’. It belongs on his list of things he likes about life. 

Under Magnus’ name, he adds all the little things he’s learned to love recently. Things he wasn’t sure he’d ever get. Things he’d never thought to want.

He tucks the paper away, feeling steadier. He still has a lot to overcome. He doesn’t know how he’s going to face Clary. But he knows he’ll survive it. He wants to stay here, wants to be alive, wants to live the life he never imagined he’d be lucky enough to have.

**Five**

It was Alec’s job to keep everyone safe and he had failed. 

It was his fault that a Shadowhunter had died. An unnecessary loss that should have been avoided. That would have been avoided under better leadership.

Alec keeps his façade as he handles the rest of the mission, as he informs the deceased’s parents, as he helps the rest of the group, tells them there’s nothing wrong with talking or asking for help. He makes sure they’re all taken care of before he escapes to his office. 

He’s supposed to do the paperwork for the mission report. He needs to write down everything that had happened. He needs to write about the young boy’s death. 

All he can do is stare at the desk in front of him and replay it all, thinking through the things he should’ve done, the steps he should’ve taken. He’d messed up and now someone was dead. 

Alec recognizes the feeling that washes over him. The guilt, the heaviness, the coldness, the emptiness. The thought that perhaps everyone would be better off without him. 

His skin itches. He aches to go to the training room and work off the emotions, conveniently ‘forget’ to wrap his hands before pummeling a punching bag. He wants to go to the roof and shoot arrows until the string cuts into his skin. The pain would be a distraction. It would be a punishment, a repentance. 

He remembers the demon cutting through the young Shadowhunter, thinks he should have jumped in front of him. Had he been given the time to do so, he would have, but he just thinks he should have been faster. He should be the one that’s gone. 

Alec moves to pick at the skin on his right hand, when the glint of his wedding ring catches his eye. He stares at his ring, pausing his hand mid-movement. 

He thinks of Magnus.

He couldn’t leave Magnus. He can’t lett him down now by turning to self harm again. His hand shakes as he pulls out his phone. 

Magnus answers on the first ring. He knew Alec was going on a mission. He must have been worried. He must have feared the worst. “Alexander, is everything alright?” 

“Can you come pick me up?” His voice shakes. He knows he’s giving the wrong impression, worrying his husband more than he should. He can’t find the right words under the emotions in his chest, threatening to crawl up his throat and suffocate him. 

“Where are you?” 

“My office.” 

A portal is opening before Magnus even hangs up. Alec leaps up so the moment Magnus enters the room, he can cling to his husband. Magnus holds him tightly, reverently. Alec feels his façade crumble, feels the tears trailing down his face. 

“What is it, darling?” 

“Mission went wrong,” Alec chokes out, holding his husband tighter. It feels like Magnus is his only anchor. 

Magnus sucks in a breath. He knows what it means, even if he doesn’t know the specifics. He takes Alec home and holds him until Alec doesn’t feel quite so raw. Alec tells him what happens, tells him the way he’d spiraled. 

Alec takes out his list. He shows it to his husband for the first time. 

Later, he calls Isabelle and thanks her. His verbal gratitude is over a decade late, but she doesn’t seem to mind. She tells him she still has her own list.

Alec allows himself to be not okay for a little while, knowing without a doubt that things will improve. They always have and now he’s surrounded by his friends and family. He’s going to be just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the angst, but there will be plenty more fluff posted soon I promise <3


End file.
